Learning to Say No: How to be More Assertive
- Zeina AV
- Oct 14, 2021
- 4 min read

Source: Pixabay
“No”. Why is such a little word so difficult to say? In this article, we explore the reasons why saying ‘no’ can be so tough, the importance of saying ‘no’, and how to be more assertive.
Why Saying ‘No’ is so Difficult
The answer comes down to how we’re wired. At our core, human beings are social beings who crave a sense of belonging. Social connection. That’s why we rely heavily on reciprocity. Fear of rejection leads us to believe that by saying ‘no’, we may damage relationships, disappoint others, or end up in a conflict.
The result? A society that subscribes to a ‘yes’ culture. Whether it’s taking on an even bigger workload even though you can barely handle your current one or agreeing to plans on your day off when all you want to do is relax. This ‘yes’ culture is so strong, in fact, that in an interview with the New York Times career coach Dara Blaine explained that we’re culturally conditioned to expect that “the person who is going to get ahead is the go-getter who says yes to everything that comes their way”.
The sad truth is that being unable to say ‘no’ will most likely leave you feeling exhausted and disengaged. Setting healthy boundaries allows us the space to rest, recover, and regroup. Assertiveness may have a bad rap, but being assertive doesn’t have to mean being rude, disagreeable, or lazy.
What does ‘Assertive’ mean?
Being assertive is the ability to communicate your needs, feelings, and boundaries to others in a calm and respectful way. Assertiveness is not the same as aggressiveness. It’s not about steamrolling others to get your own way.
Learning how to be assertive is essential for all of us, especially if we want to take on the role of leader. Being assertive means speaking up and sharing your opinion, saying ‘no’ to things that you don’t want to do, and expressing what you need from a partnership.
Why do some People Struggle to be Assertive More than Others?
While at our core human beings are very similar, we all come from different walks of life, cultures, and environments. These external factors can have a huge impact on our personalities and our ability to be assertive. Let’s take a closer look:
Cultural and societal factors. Women often struggle with being assertive more than men, mainly due to stereotypes that exist around how a woman should behave. Similarly, certain Asian cultures believe that assertiveness is a disagreeable trait.
Personality type. Typically, introverts may find it more challenging to speak up and be assertive than extroverts. This is perhaps due to shyness.
Family & upbringing. How we’re raised plays a part in how assertive we are. Growing up in an environment where you weren’t able to have a voice may make it harder to speak up as an adult.
Past experiences. If you have experienced a negative reaction in the past when you asserted yourself or said ‘no’, this can discourage you from doing it again.
Learning how to Say ‘No’: 6 Top Tips
Like most things in life, learning how to say ‘no’ takes practice. Expect it to be uncomfortable at first but, over time, it will get easier, especially when you see how much setting healthy boundaries can improve your life.
Identify your boundaries
Boundary setting begins with getting to know what your limits are. Sit with this question for a while and jot down some boundaries you have (or want to have) in your relationship, friendships, and job. For example, asking for space in a relationship is perfectly acceptable, so is pausing a conversation if the other person is becoming aggressive or disrespectful.
Spot behavior patterns & Define when you would like to be more assertive
Now think back on times when you said ‘yes’ to something that you really didn’t want to do. Or when you put your needs aside for someone else. Look for patterns. When does this usually happen? Use this information to identify scenarios where you would like to change this behavior and become more assertive.
Get to the ‘why’
Now that you have some examples in your mind, it’s time to dig a little deeper. In each scenario, what made it so hard for you to refuse. The goal here is to pinpoint the personal barriers that cause you to be passive. Now, challenge those barriers. For example, if you think turning down a new work project because you’re overloaded makes you seem unambitious, really question that belief. What advice would you give your best friend in the same position?
3. Practice different ways of saying ‘no’
Learning how to articulate why you’re saying ‘no’ is key. Practice how you can decline an offer in a way that’s honest, clear, and warm.
For example, “Thank you so much for inviting me, but I’m not going to make it. I have been feeling really overloaded at work recently and I really need to rest this weekend. I would love to see you soon, though. Are you free for a coffee on Tuesday instead?”
4. Enlist a friend to help
Ask a trusted (and honest) friend to role play with you and give you feedback on how you’re communicating your boundaries. Practice a real-life scenario and ask your friend to comment on your body language, words, and tone.
5. Rehearse saying ‘no’
Again, practice makes perfect. Just like you would practice for a big work presentation or a job interview, you should practice saying ‘no’. Start off in front of a mirror and work your way up to practicing with a close friend. Once you’ve gained a bit of confidence, up the stakes a little. If you usually find it too difficult to send food back in a restaurant or confront someone for skipping you in the queue, make it your mission to use these low-risk situations to work on becoming assertive. That way, when it comes to a higher-risk scenario such as at work or with your partner, you’ve become comfortable saying ‘no’ calmly.
Key Takeaways
Learning to be assertive can enhance your relationships. The first step is to remember that being assertive doesn’t mean being disagreeable. It may be tricky at the start, but by communicating your boundaries honestly, you will be happier and more fulfilled in your personal and professional life.
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